It's all fun and games until the naked German passes out on you!

Back in April of 2004, I visited my good friend J in Frankfurt. This was way before I had any notions that I’d be living in Germany and as it turns out, we now live 150km apart down the A3 (one of the many speed free autobahns… Driving 160 km/h plus *legally* on a highway will never get old…)


During my visit, J was a great hostess and we were able to tour around the Rhine and head to Paris for a few days. One of the places she took me to was a German sauna. Honestly, I can’t remember how it was described to me anymore, but even if I did, nothing would have prepared me for what I was about to experience…

A german sauna, therme, bath is usually attached to a large swimming facility. In my limited experience with them, there seems to be a “family” side and an “adult only” option. The family side usually has waterslides, hot tubs, swimming pools and would be like most similar facilities in North America. The adult side however, is another story.

The adult side usually has steam baths, saunas, whirlpools and the like, but the big difference is, you’re naked. I’m far from conservative and have been to Vancouver’s nude beach usually once per summer. But the thought of casually hanging out with my friend and her boyfriend- naked, seemed a bit disconcerting. But when in rome…
So off we went, disrobed and I tried really hard not to look anywhere below eye level when maintaining conversation. The sauna was cool and there were dozens of hot tubs, steam baths and sauna buildings. Each sauna was in a free standing building outside and would have certain let’s call them “aromatherapy events” at certain times. On a board outside the sauna, a time and scent were advertised. We went into pine I believe. The details are fuzzy because what happened afterwards is what stays in my memory.

A “saunamaster” comes in at the set time and runs the show. Literally. A little tanned man walks into the sauna wearing only a towel. He proceeds to mention what will be happening in the next 20 minutes. In German of course, so I have no clue about any of it. After getting everyone “hyped” up if you will, he starts. He sprays some oil onto the rocks and then some water. He then proceeds to whip off his towel and whirl it above his head to circulate the hot, scented air. With me, there are about 40 hot, sweaty (and largely overweight) Germans. Since I’m a wimp for any extreme temperatures, about ¾ of the way thru, I have to excuse myself because I feel like I’m gonna pass out. My friends tell me that I would be breaking the “rule” of the sauna and I can’t do that. I try to sweat it out (literally) for a few more minutes but I just can’t. I leave the sauna and will deal with the repercussions of 40 hot, sweaty, naked, overweight Germans later.
I sit on the bench outside, wait for my friends and try to cool off. As I left the sauna, an older man followed me out. He sat on the bench beside me. He was maybe mid 50’s, skinny oh and naked. A few minutes into my cool off, skinny naked man faints on me. Right. On. My. Lap. There I sit. Outside the sauna. In Germany. Not knowing. A word. Of German. With a passed out naked man on my lap. Great. Just Great. Now What? Imagine the look of surprise on my friends faces when they saw me sitting there. Thankfully, sauna master guy was behind them and came and rescued me. Thankfully, a passed out man is pretty self explanatory and I didn’t have to say anything. And my friends and I? Well, the jokes are endless, but we now say “It’s all fun and games until the naked German man passes out on you”.