Thursday, April 26, 2012

Only girl in the world

I don't usually write much about dating.  It seems almost "too" personal to write about, but the way my luck has been with dating over the years, I certainly don't have much to lose.

I was recently dating someone for the past 3 months and for a while, I thought it was going really, really well.   Throughout my dating life, I haven't had issues getting dates, but I've had issues keeping them around for a while.  They mostly fizzle out because I have a short attention span and get bored easily, or after a while they just flake and fizzle out.   Like anything else in life, my motto is "pick youself up, dust yourself off and start all over again"  but this one hurt a bit more and I've finally figured out why!

To be fair, I knew he was "separated" when we met.  However, my understanding of the situation was that the only thing between them and divorce was a yearlong waiting period and since I've been there, I understood.

Because I've learned a thing or two along the way, I didn't let him in right way.  Bit by bit.  I vowed to never be one of those girls that would never trust again.  And we had a great time.  Sure, I saw signs like he wasn't communicating with me as openly or readily as I'd like and he didn't seem willing to make a lot of time for me.  But I rationed them with "he's not ready" and "he's really busy right now". 

Then I let him know I was in the hospital.  And though I certainly don't expect someone to be able to drop their entire lives, I was a little surprised at the lack of empathy on his part.  Again, I rationalized it all.

I hadn't poked in (and he hadn't volunteered) too much what "separated" meant.  A few odd comments poked their head in here and then, but again, I rationalized them.   The one comment that didn't sit well with me was "my ex knows you". WHAT THE (**&(* was my reply.  I don't know her.  Well, she found your business card and googled you. wait, you mean, you're still in close contact and how did she go into your wallet to find it?  Anyway, I foolishly didn't prod more and it sat awkward with me.   Then he seemed to withdraw.  Texts weren't coming as fast and furiously and interest seemed to drop off the earth.   So, for fun, in a moment of being at home ready to crawl the walls with boredom, I put 2 and 2 together.   Or more accurately, filled in the missing pieces with speculation and a facebook picture. 

You see, since she googled me, I then googled her.  To be fair, it was a month later,  I was home recovering and ready to crawl the walls and only after some things about him didn't sit well with me.  And, it turns out, though he thinks they're seperated, she doesn't seem to be on the same page, or at least willing to tell the universe so.  Her social networking page had a picture of the two of them happy as clams and her status is listed as "married".  **GULP**

I asked him about it and he got defensive to the point of being mad.  I, like most people, just wanted clarification.  The anger in his voice, non commitalness and the fact that he didn't show any understanding for the way I felt scared me.   I suggested we end it,  I'm assuming he's accepted my suggestion since I haven't heard back from him.

You know, Rihanna is onto something when she sings about being "the only girl in the world".   no, I don't expect anyone at this age to NOT have baggage or a past, but I DO expect them to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world.  yeah, you can have a closet full of ex wives, that's great.  I just want to feel like I'm the one a guy wants to be with.  And I've noticed "that" is the single element missing in my past few years of dating.  Have female friends, have a life, have your career, have kids, have ex-wives, you name it, but I just want someone to FEEL like they want to be with me and FEEL strong enough for me to fight for me. 

Well, they say hindsight is 20/20 and I learned a valuable lesson on the way so I know it's not in vain.   Until then, I'm still at the point of my life and trying each new dish on the menu hoping to find my favorite.  And I'll have to give myself my own advice.  A friend is frustrated that she can't find the "right" new place to move into.  I told her, that's because the universe is making sure you're available for when you find the right apartment.  She looked at me and said "that sounds like good dating advice for you".  DAMN. busted, so swallow my own advice I will...

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