Things I've learned in India

I'm in India for work for two and a half weeks. Some would say this sounds glamourous but let me assure you, it's not. I'm criss crossing most of the south going to such places as Chennai (or Madras as some call it), Madurai, Bombay (or Mumbai, or better, what I call the armpit of the world), Indore and Tirupur. India, I'm sure has it's charm (once I find it, I'll let you know) Nonetheless, it's an interesting place and I've learned a few things along the way. Such as:

- the sideways head bob (popular in the south) can be used to convey just about anything. I've tried to decipher it and so far I've come up with the following meanings; "yes" "no" "maybe" "I have no clue" "I don't care" "please stop talking to me"

- marble (used extensively in India) is very slippery. Especially when wet, and espcially when you are here in the monsoon season and happen to be very clumsly like myself.

- goats are a pack animal. How do I know this? well, they never sleep on the street alone, always in a group. Also, goats, like cows are effective speed bumps (since they always lay in the middle of the street)

- peacocks are agressive. I almost got attacked by one.

- gods won't hear your music, no matter how loud you chose to play it. WHY? because they are made of stone!(the locals play loud, shrilling, screeching music to the deities in the shrines, to amuse them apparently)

- nothing should take 500 years to build. (this temple I visited yesterday did)

- elephant trunks are uncomfortable and prickly (see above picture)

Wish me luck, I have almost two more weeks of this!

Rock your body

Meet the "OhMiBod". It's a vibrator powered off your ipod. But wait, there's more! Get this: it vibrates to the rhythm and intensity of your music. That makes me laugh... can you imagine listening to the White Stripes or any angry white boy music? you'd just about blow yourself up!!! You can even join their "club vibe" where

OMB users can instantly (and anonymously) become part of a fun, hip community called CLUB VIBE (ohmibod.com/clubvibe), where other OMB aficionados write about their experience, trade tips, share their favorite playlists, and more. Log into iTunes and search "OhMiBod" under the iMix section and see what music is turning other people on and purchase those songs quickly and easily!

So for fun, I checked out one of the playlists that would best "rock your body". Some songs on the playlist were "Crazy Love" (Van Morrison), "Sweet Jane" (Cowboy Junkies), "Crash into me" (Dave Matthews). (I was pleased that no heavy metal made the list)

I think the ipod is one of the great inventions ever, and now it has an added bonus! who knew?

Blender's "50 worst songs ever"

Blender magazine (a magazine I personally have never heard of nor read but puts out random "lists" of things, for attention I suppose) has put out it's list of "50 worst songs ever". EVER is a pretty strong word so I was intrigued and checked it out. For the most part, the list is accurate. I mean who doesn't agree that songs such as these are so annoying that you'd be willing to throw yourself out of a moving car if forced to listen to them!

My heart will go on (#50)
I'd do anything for meatloaf (#44) (I have a real problem with ANY meatloaf song)
Shiny happy people #35 (a horrible song, from a great band!)
Barbie girl #33 (made worse by the fact that my boyfriend and his friend sing it while drunk)
mmmmm mmmm #31 (the crash test dummies as a band are atrocious)
Sunglasses at night (#23)
Dancing on the ceiling (#20)
Kokomo (#12)
Don't worry be happy (#7)


I was shocked to see that songs like "macarena", "who let the dogs out", "my humps" and "patio lanterns" didn't make the list! I mean how could you forget how bad those songs were!!! But the true crime is the fact that they list "Party all the time" as the #8 all time worst song!!! that's a classic! "my girl wants to party, all the time, party all the time, party all the time" come on! genius lyrics! (never mind the fact that for the longest time I thought he was saying "potty" but still....) Bastards! I'll have to have a word with them!

I love Halloween. Give me any opportunity to dress up and I'm all over it. I think that's why I went into the clothing business and the fashion business. Give me an opportunity to dress up and I'm there. Last year, my co-workers and I dressed up like the village people. It was awesome. Most of my co-workers are as keen as dressing up as I am so it was fantastic. I was the Indian, but we had the construction worker, cowboy, motorcycle guy, and cop. At the time, we were down an employee and when we were interviewing people, we actually asked them "we have a group costume planned, are you willing to dress as the sailor if you are offered this job" (he did and now works with us) We did a group performance of "YMCA" which had the whole office roaring. So this year, we have a tough act to follow. We decided that this year's theme would be "superheroes" Since we don't know which superheroes to be, we turned to the internet. The Superhero Quiz has a little quiz that helped us out. We decided we would be whatever character the quiz decided. With questions like:

"do you like to fly" (of course, who doesn't?)
"are you accident prone" (who me?)
"are you VERY comfortable with your body" (I'm not sure what with VERY in capitals!)
"do you ever wear a pushup bra" (I plead the fifth)
"will you sometimes go too far to get your way" (define TOO far? do tears count?)
"are you obviously powerful" (over my dog, MAYBE)


It determines which superhero you are most like. So, I end up being "the Flash" Fast, Athletic and Flirtatious (supposedly). We have: Wonderwoman, Catwoman and The Green lantern lined up so far. This could be interesting.

swingin' in Bali

I have always wanted to go to Bali. There is just something so mystical and exotic about the place. On my constant quest to continually search out where to travel in this world, I came upon something most interesting.

The Bali Lifestyle resort. The place truly does look amazing, but something sets it apart from other places. You see, the bali lifestyle resort is for swingers. They say:

We offer you the “swingers” vacation of your lifetime on the most beautiful island on earth. We have a lot of experience in organizing festive stays and we can guarantee you a great time with a lot of sex and fun during your stay!

they go on to say...

Every Saturday night from 9PM & later we organize parties for approx. 25 couples! The parties maintain a strict dress-code, so all our guests should be dressed sexy or naked, & sex is allowed throughout the entirety of the premises. Condoms, buffet/snacks/ will be free, as well as all non alcoholic and alcoholic drinks. We're sure you'll have an amazing time!

Thinking that this is just some fluke or perverted thing, I did more research. But nope, there are tons of websites out there dedicated to the swinging vacationing world. For once, I'm speechless!!! and NO, honey, we are NOT going on a swinger vacation!!!

Disgustingly Fascinated

So next month, I'm off to India for work. I did it last year and to say it was interesting was an understatement. For starters, I wasn't ready for the sheer heat and humidity. I'm not kidding when I say I got off the plane and my glasses fogged up because they literally did.

Since I was going for work, I didn't get to see any of the "pretty" places such as Goa or the Taj Mahal. I saw factory towns in India and Mumbai. Mumbai is known for having the largest slums in Asia (and also the world) I think the reason that most of the international flights arrive in the middle of the night is so you literally can't see the slums (as they are right beside the airport runways)

This year, I will actually have some time to spend in Mumbai so I was looking up some things to do while in India. I came across this For the equivalent of $14Cdn, you can take a day tour of the slums (80% of the funds goes to a NGO to help run the school in the slums) My first instinct is "for God's sakes, WHY!" and then I became fascinated... I've seen them from the streets and from a car, but I've not had a reason to venture deep into them... what would I see? what would it be like? would it be life changing? A friend of a friend (who is Indian) recommended that I


"wear light coloured full sleeve shirt and full pants, NOT shorts & t shirt. Canadian immunity is no match to the bacteria found in Mumbai.
Also, do not eat or drink at the slums. "

at 40C, I'd be hard pressed to wear a long sleeve shirt and pants, I may as well wear a biohazard suit! I also like the "do not eat or drink at the slums" see the problem is I have a hard time eating ANYTHING in India! It's not that it's bad, it's just that I'm a picky (aka boring) eater and I'd rather jump out of a plane than try new foods! (besides, they have a love of masala spice in India which everything starts to taste like after two days)

It remains to be seen whether or not I will actually visit the slums (shopping in the markets may win out) but I'm sure it would be interesting!

Build a better booty

My friend Theresa (aka Tiramisu) and I have decided that we'd like to build better bodies for the end of the summer and so, we have decided to join a boot camp. It's no cheesy bootcamp where they holler and scream at you and make you wear camouflage(the instructor tried to get Tiramisu to drop and do 10 cause she was late and Tiramisu laughed at her) It's offered through Dream_Athletica and the instructor is great. But I'm not going to lie, it's hell! A typical 90 minute workout burns between 800-1200 calories (to me, it feels like 15,000)

This bootcamp takes place outdoors, 90 minutes, twice a week overlooking coal harbor. We do a wide variety of ass-kicking activities such as: running up stairs, various drills, ab exercises that I feel for three days, and my all time least favorite: running. We're lucky as we have a small group (4-5 of us) and we spend much of the first 15 minutes laughing and joking. I'm sure we'd spend the next 75 minutes laughing and joking but we're too busy wiping the sweat off our bodies. Before I joined this bootcamp, I didn't think women could sweat, just "glisten" nicely. I was wrong!

Three weeks into the six week bootcamp, I don't feel any firmer yet. Which is odd, because by now, I'd have expected rock hard abs! (I'm telling you, it's ASS kicking) The funniest exercise that we do are these "jumps". Usually we do them up a hill (which is a challenge, let me tell you) Everytime we do them, I get the song "She drives me crazy" stuck in my head. why? Because in the "She drives me crazy" video they do EXACTLY the same move! (except in cool black and yellow suits and not up a hill!)

Halfway into this, I am noticing increased energy (who am I kidding? Most days I feel like I can move mountains) but sadly, I lack the rock hard abs and smaller pant size. I did however, show everyone my new "muscle" (everyone but my boyfriend laughed, he's nicely trained) I can see the start of definition, but I suppose it's subjective!

Here's hoping the remaining 3 weeks will provide me with much needed abs!

Did someone steal the stars from the sky...

I guess single guys all over the world are discovering that cheesy lines get nothing but laughter. (I swear to God, a guy said to me in a bar once "Do you clean your pants with windex? Cause I can see myself in them")

The Mystery Method has come along to rescue these poor sods! Their best selling seminar is the Mystery Method Bootcamp. This is how they sell it:

"Imagine spending 25-30 hours over a weekend with the world's top pickup artists, who will teach you everything from how to attract beautiful women in any situation to how to find and get the type of long-term girlfriend you want. At a bootcamp, you get to see and hear Mystery's techniques - many of which are brand new and not available online or in any other program. You get to see the instructors use these techniques - live - so you can learn how it works in the real world, not in someone else’s theory. In these unscripted interactions with multiple beautiful women, the Mystery Method is put to the test every night of every program. Not only do we prove that it works; we’ll show you how it can work for YOU."

Personally, I couldn't imagine spending 25-30 hours with the world's pickup artists. I think my eyes would permanently roll back into my head and I'd be tired of saying "give up" Nonetheless, for $1600, you too can learn from the "world's pickup artists" on how to find and "get" the type of girl you want.

I prefer the old fashioned way of laughing in the face of cheesy lines. I've always said that men are so much better than women at rejection, they're so much more used to it!

Learn (& laugh) about The Method

Kermit does Miss Piggie?

As a child of the 70's, I have very fond memories of the Muppet show. If I remember correctly, the muppets were on Friday nights. Mom would give us a bath, stick us in fresh jammies and plunk us in front of the tv for our favorite show. But now, now THIS????

The Edinburgh festival has a show called "Jim Henson's Improv- Not for Children" they describe it as:

"The Jim Henson Company's renowned puppeteers demonstrate what happens when traditional comedic improvisation is mixed with the uninhibited anarchy of live puppet performance. Not your average night of improv and definitely not for children."

Nice... Apparently it's an improv show (which by definition, I would HATE!) So you know all the pervs in the audience would have Kermit "mounting" Miss Piggie. Read about it here (with any luck, it will come to the Vancouver Fringe Fest....)

No Scruf? No thanks!

Being half Portuguese I've struggled with hair all my life. When I was born, I came out with a full head of hair, long eyelashes and a layer of hair on my back (which makes me question my mom's honesty when she said I was the most beautiful baby in the hospital) Needless to say, being part monkey in a hairless world has had it's challenges. I started shaving my legs when I was 12, and if it weren't for my religious appointments with Camelia (the best eyebrow groomer in the world!) I'd have the fiercest unibrow! So when I heard about this group of women, who as part of their rebellion against men with unshaven faces, stopped shaving, I was intrigued.

No Scruf Is the National Organization of Social Crusaders Repulsed by Unshaven Faces. Yes, apparently there is a group of women who have banded together and are so sick and tired of men getting away with not shaving every day, they have decided to stop shaving all together!!! The founder, Terry Tarentelli, is a swimsuit model who is fed up of the shaving inequalities between men and women. She believes this social injustice has to be stopped and has decided to stop shaving alltogether (I fervently scoured the internet looking for this unshaved beauty in a swimsuit with no success!!!) I'm still not convinced that this movement is not a huge publicity stunt, but apparently many women have joined their "movement" and they regularly hold rallies.

As much as my man would like to think that a couple days growth makes him as sexy as George Michael in his "Faith" days, it doesn't (sorry honey!) and yes, when he kisses me with said growth it can be uncomfortable. But in true optimist form, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade! I take advantage of my "personal exfoliation" pad and use his scruf to scratch my back and exfoliate wherever it's needed (he usually gets tired of this quickly and shaves pronto) And yes, we as women can go on about how much more surface area we have to shave, how much longer it takes, and in the heat of the summer we have to do this EVERY DAY! But isn't this part of what makes us the "fairer" (and more superior) sex?

So for now, I'll continue with my religious hair removal and when my boyfriend is too lazy to shave and I'm sick of it, I'll continue to put him to work as my personal exfoliation pad.

And the award for best makeup artist goes to....

Eva Longoria's makeup artist!

BEFORE....




AFTER....



Suddenly I don't feel like I look so bad in the morning....

Kill me if I ever get this lonely!

Before I met my amazing man (Hi Honey!) I spent a lot of my adult life single. Though I was single, I always had enough going on in my life to keep me busy and relatively fulfilled. Sure there were long periods of time where I went without male affection and it would have been nice on some days to know you had someone of the opposite sex around to give you a hug. Apparently others out there feel the same way, and in true 21st century fashion, someone has made a club to address this lack of physical touch issue.

The Art of Loving in Vancouver, has all kinds of "interesting" seminars. Some highlights are; "The Art of flirting" (it's an "art"?), "Giving good head", "an introduction to swinging in Vancouver" (I wonder if they offer tips on how to avoid bosses and co-workers, because that would just be WRONG) and my personal favorite "Dating the ethnic man: Strategies for success". Listed along with these seminars though, is a monthly "cuddle club". For $30 a person, you get to partake in the cuddle club. For all you would be perverts who are thinking of copping a cheap feel, they bill this as competely non-sexual affair (all your clothes must stay on). But like any club, there are rules. Such as;

3.) Bring PJ’s, pillows or favorite blanket and a beverage….this can be thirsty work.

is Cuddling a sport? it doesn't usually make ME thristy!?!?!

5.) Always make a request or invite a cuddle or touch before hand.

Isn't that what you're there for? could you imagine how dejected someone would feel if they asked someone to cuddle and they said "NO" after they just paid to go and cuddle?

8.) Shower before the club party.

I'm sure everyone's thankful for this one... what would be worse than cuddling with a stranger with bad b.o!

12.) Sharing stories, making friends, laughing and perhaps crying has been known to occur.

this one time... in band camp.... what the HELL do you talk about while cuddling with someone you don't know?

14.) Thank your cuddle club friend when your inner authority tells you its time to move on or take a break.

your "inner authority"?!?!?!? is that like your "inner voice" the voices, the voices, make the voices STOP!!!!! but thanks for the cuddle....

I told my friend Tiramisu about this and she had the BEST idea... sign our boyfriends up for the cuddle seminar under the guise of a "how to give women great orgasm" seminar (payback's a bitch honey!). But now that I've blown the cover, it won't work! but DAMN! what a fine idea... I'd love to see the kind of people that go to this thing... I'm picturing the lonely middle aged accountant that shows up with his blankie and sucking his thumb!

Astrology for the dogs

I love my dog. She's an incredible ball of energy that does silly things each day. But I never knew that there are websites dedicated to doggy astrology! I've always taken astrology with a grain of salt. I'm an aquarian and when I read aquarian charachteristics, I see myself in some of them but then again they're usually written so vague that anyone can relate to some of what's written.

So for fun, I checked out Lucy's horoscope. Apparently she's a virgo (on the cusp of Libra) How funny is this?

Virgo pets are wonderful companions and make great friends. A sixth sense lets them know when you are unhappy or sick, and they are always there to comfort you. They are shy animals, preferring their own company, and are content to play by themselves. They are reserve and won't show their affections easily. Don't expect your Virgo pet to come running to you when you get home. They will gladly spend entire evenings lying at your feet or resting their head on your lap. They are fussy eaters

Lucy is a Jack Russell/mini Schnauzer cross and as you might imagine, has a TON of energy. There is NOTHING shy about her!!! When people stop by my place, she won't let anyone in until she has had a sufficient amount of belly rubs so the "shy" part couldn't be further from the truth. As for the "fussy eaters" part, I'm pretty sure it's not that common for a dog to eat cilantro leaves, ginger, mango, carrots and goose turds, but Lucy does so that cancels out the fussy part.

So if you want a laugh, here are some sites to check out your pets' astrology

Find Your Fate
Angels Astrology
Astrology Source

But can they sing?

Last summer, my guilty pleasure was a show called "Hit me baby one more time" . It was a show where they brought in one hit wonders (think PM Dawn and the group that sang 867-5309) The groups had to sing the song they made famous and another from today's top 10, the "best" group won $50,000 for their charity. I loved that show and wish they would bring it back.

So Friday night, I'm sitting at home (it was actually a nice luxury) and since there was nothing on between 9 and 10 (it was a repeat on "what not to wear" which was my first choice) I came upon this show called "But can they sing?" It's on Much More music on friday nights at 9pm. It's a collection of b list celebrities such as Morgan Fairchild, Michael Copon, Antonio Sabato Jr., Bai Ling, Joe Pantoliano, Kim Alexis, Carmine Gotti, Myrka Dellanos and Larry Holmes (I have honestly not heard of most of these people). Anyhow, said "b" list celebrities get up on stage and sing. The "best" of the non-singing celebrities win $50,000 for their charity.

It was pathetic. Morgan Fairchild sang "I believe" by Cher, the Gotti boy (who came out on stage with a super soaker water gun) sang "My Perrogative" by Bobby Brown (he didn't know the song. It was horrible. But it was like a car crash, I couldn't turn away!!!! so guess what I'm doing next friday night?

The Ultimate Prom Dresses

In honor of the 15th anniversary of my prom (has it been that long already?) I thought I'd celebrate the ultimate in prom dresses. So I've searched high and low (thanks to google) and I think I've come up with some winners (judge for yourself)

Example 1:



who knew that a salmon colored parade float could pass as a prom dress?

Example 2:

















This beauty is called "royalty" Mermaid dresses may have been cool in the 80's when bad fashion was big, but there's no excuse to carry it over into the 21st century!

Example 3:



The best part of this dress is that the "which bra should I wear with this dress?" question answers itself...











Example 4:



This one speaks VOLUMES for itself!













Example 5:



This one is actually practical! You won't have to worry about your dress feeling too tight if you over eat! (though I personnally LOVE the hair!)

Miranda/Miranda

Sex and the city has long been my favorite show. I was devastated when it was over! While I could relate most to Carrie, I loved all the characters even the overly neurotic Miranda. A few years ago, Miranda aka Cynthia Nixon came out. Look at her date... they look like twins, it looks as if they're trying to "channel" Julie Andrews in Victor/Victoria!

Now the geek you went to high school with can buy himself a date

So I heard about this website the other day and I think it's hilarious. The Millionaires club is a matchmaking service (which I consider myself to have some knowledge on, since this is how I met my man... ;) ) which caters only, to you guessed it, millionaires. So now, the geek you went to high school with (who in my experience is either a millionaire or in jail) can buy himself a date!

for $10,000 US you get the "gold" membership which includes; a year of unlimited dating in your area/one state only. (as many dates as you wish), 1/2 hour date coaching session with the dating coach in your area, 1/2 hour relationship counseling session with the relationship counselor in your area, 1/2 hour image consulting session with the image consultant in your area and 1/2 hour hypnotherapy session with the hypnotherapist in your area

Now I don't know about you, but most geeks I know need a WHOLE lot more than 1/2 hour image consulting! so, for an additional $10,000 the millionaires club will offer you a whole hour with an image consultant (as well as a hypnotherapist). Besides, what's an extra $10,000 to a millionaire anyhow?

But don't think that just ANY millionaire can join in the club. Besides, this is a reputable establishment. While you don't NEED to prove that you actually own millions of dollars, the questionnaire does ask how many houses you own and how many companies you own. And if you're a millionaire with a restraining order against you, forget it; you can't join.

Apparently all these lonely millionaires want women with the 3M's (Madonna in the bedroom, Martha Stewart in the home and Mary Poppins in the nursery) as well as someone who is educated and of course, attractive. It's free for women to join, and for a laugh, check out some of their canadian specimens. My favorite is this one (LOVE the stance...) I bet SHE cooks a mean beef tenderloin

I don't know about you, but an hour with an image consultant and an hour with a hypnotherapist STILL does not make me want to date the high school geek!

How I started 2006

This is how I started the year. No really. This was a picture taken January 1, 2006. I have no idea who the guy in the picture is but I found him on the beach in Playa Del Carmen. Before you start thinking that I'm some random slut that wanders the beach in search of men, let me clarify. I've always had this "thing" for cabana boys. I've always had this fantasy that I would have my own cabana boy to get me drinks, rub suntan lotion on me and basically cater to my beach/lounging needs. No sexual favors necessary, just cater to my needs and don't speak. (Now that I think about it, it's probably every woman's fantasy... ) So there I am, new year's day, on the beach in playa del carmen, with Tara & Mike HUNGOVER as hell and I find him; my cabana boy. I didn't ask questions. I grabbed him, passed the camera to Mike and said "this is it, this is the cabana boy". I have no idea what his name is, but in my world, he's Juan. Juan the cabana boy. All he did was get us beach chairs, not a small feat considering how packed the beach in playa del carmen is on new year's day. But in my world, he gave me a foot massage, provided margaritas and sunscreen all without saying a word.

Judging by the start of my year, I should have known it was going to be a good one. Right before Christmas, I applied to be on Manhattan Matchmaker
Manhattan Matchmaker

I had had it with my love life so when the opportunity arose, I thought; WHY not? As cheesy as it sounds, I met the man of my dreams... he has a story himself, he's "Hot Guy" from the local radio station. And now, I've been told the Vancouver Courier will be writing an article about the show and how we met. I know it's sounds like I'm an attention whore, but I'm not. I was just so fed up with the dating scene I figured I had nothing to lose...

So that's the first half of my year, I can't wait to see how the second half plays out

Oh and "hot guy" he gives a GREAT food massage (among other things... ;) )

Welcome!

Ok... so I thought I'd try this blogging thing out... what will I write about? Only time will tell... fashion? wine? cooking? funny things I see? stay tuned!